Surgery

Need some prayers.

Whelp. I’m getting my spine operated on next week. Monday morning.

Turns out I’ve been sick for a long time. Well, sick in ways that weren’t apparent. In hindsight, I guess a 7th grader having back pain isn’t exactly normal, but then again everyone just thought it was the heavy textbooks, 2 hours of bus riding every day for 8 years, and really bad sitting posture. Kids shouldn’t have to go to a chiropractor.

I’d figure the posture was because one of my discs was all mushed up in there…

That, and the narcolepsy, means I didn’t stand a chance when it came to keeping my head up and back straight. I tend to sleep with my head on the table. I’m always staring at my feet as I walk, so I don’t trip. Where once before I thought it was because I need to see my inward-pointing feet to walk, now I think it may be because tilting my head back caused my spine to get crimped and while not causing pain, did cause an overpowering sense of unease.

Anyways, a year ago I put out a post asking for prayers thinking it was a gall bladder problem, because of the deferred and wandering shoulder pains.

Nope…

It’s the spine. Finally got an MRI after them putting me through the crap-shoot that is modern medicine. After physical therapy, a gym program, and tons of drugs, nothing really took away the unease…

This is inside me right now:

It’s causing pain in my shoulder, arm, and making my fingers go tingly and occasionally numb.

There’s not much left in there but hamburger pressing on the nerve…

So, it’s gotta get sucked out, and I’m gonna get some internal jewelry and a bone graft. While the procedure isn’t complex, and my doctor is the most recommended in a 50-mile radius, I still can’t help but think things can go wrong. They always did for my mother. She’d gone through 18 surgeries on her back, and those are just the major ones, not including revisions. Come to think of it, everyone in my family has had major neck, spinal, or knee surgery.

It was only a matter of time until something happened to me, really.

I’ve never been in a wreck. Never been in an accident.

This injury is a total mystery.

Best I figure, though, is that something happened in elementary school. Or, sometime in middle school at the latest. Maybe I fell off the monkey bars. Maybe it was some roughhousing out in the field. I was always pretty clumsy when it came to physical activity, though I never broke a bone… At least none that I realized.

Anyways, just giving you guys a heads-up…

If I don’t post again in a week, I’m probably dead or in a coma. That’d just be my luck.

Then again, I’m not all that afraid of death. In a weird way, I’ve always expected and kinda welcomed an early death. A “normal” life really never has been an option for me anyways, so it’s not like I’m missing out on anything by going early. Sorry, but I can’t help but be a little pessimistic in the traditional sense. For me, it’s actually optimistic. If I do die early, it just means to me God is done with me and I can finally rest. It’d be kinda nice to get a real night’s sleep after a lifetime of unfulfilling, narcolepsy-impeded, and lucid fever dreams. Waking up every morning desperate to remember what I dreamt about so I don’t confuse it with real life hasn’t exactly been peaches and cream.

It’s not fair to think poorly of real people in my life for things their dream variants did…

Well, enough of the pity party. I’m hoping I come out of this a better person — stronger and less lazy, without the excuse of pain and poor health to keep me from doing things I know God wants me to do. Best case scenario, the mysterious and persistent lump that’s been in my throat since I was 13 also goes away. That’d be nice…

So, I’d really appreciate some prayers.

God Bless!