Quick Comms: Dogs
Bork bork!
Dogs are probably one of the biggest and most well-known of the obvious Comms subjects that most people will be privy to in some form or fashion. The occasional post with politicians and their pets, especially dogs, is something peculiar and results in some of the strangest and most cryptic social media posts one can imagine.
Everything from Amber Heard’s dog stepping on a bee to Biden’s dog Major crapping everywhere and biting Secret Service staffers, it’s all very unusual how obsessed the media is about these lovable goofs.
The short of it is that Dogs are proxies for Personal Assistants.
How they appear and work in Comms is to describe the current availability of their Owner as well as how to reach the Dog in order to get things to the Owner. They’re effectively equivalent to an “OPEN” sign on the front door of a business, but it does go beyond just that. When the Secretary is at their desk (the dog is chilling on the front porch) then there’s a good chance their Owner is just around the corner doing work.
Basically, they’re the ones who deal with scheduling, fetch you things, make calls to set up meetings, or otherwise just stand around to make you look more important than you otherwise would. You have to think of dogs as more than just the animal and instead think of them based on their functions.
Seriously, why do people have dogs?
Why did the caveman decide it would be a good idea to keep a dog around, to spend time and domesticate a vicious wild wolf who otherwise would be trying to eat him?
Well, dogs serve many purposes, of which the most important is to solve the age-old problem of not being able to be in two places at once. If you need to watch your sheep, for instance, eventually you’ll get tired and need to sleep. Without another person there to take up a shift of watching the sheep you need something else with at least half a mind to keep watch. A dog fulfils this purpose and many iterations of the same. Sometimes just being there deters would-be assailants from doing stuff to your property. A bark at the mailman effectively does nothing on its own, but does inform a robber that there’s a dog there willing to chew his throat out. That information alone can pay dividends, even if you never see it personally play out.
Not only do they guard but they can also be trained to carry messages, lead people around, sniff out contraband, bury things you want forgotten, eat all your scraps so nothing goes to waste, and intimidate friend and foe alike. If you or your family member end up getting stuck down a well, you can count on Lassie to go get help.
They’re like a little you that is 100% loyal, trained, and can even act in your stead. They effectively solve the problem of how to be in two places at once, at least in a realistic way.
At the end of the day, a Good Dog is nothing other than Man’s Best Friend.
A good media example of a Dog would probably be Pepper and Tony Stark from the Iron Man Series. It really represents the whole breadth of applications for a “Dog” performing all sorts of daily business tasks to keep the Farm from imploding while you attend to more hands-on work.
Well, then again, that depiction might be a bit too flirty…
Meh, a better example would probably this dude, then…
Oh, wait, what am I saying, if I’m talking Star Wars why not just mention the doggo everyone already knows about:
Wut da Dog doin’?
Because there’s so much associated with a dog, and other companion pets, it’s probably best I try to categorize their acts and antics with an explanation as best as I can so you can really see how things might function in Comms.
Bark - Order people around, especially sheep. Includes directing crowds to clear buildings or pathways so their Owner can pass by without getting accosted. Most generally, however, it suggests the Dog is “taking calls,” or, rather, making them.
Tail - A signal by which one may instruct another or let an audience know the current “mood” of the situation or any immediately upcoming plans. Finger signs and other tricks like an umpire at a Baseball Game might use are applicable here. Also used to denote a “tale” to tell that one might have, in keeping with the idea of occult(hidden) meaning in what they say.
Tail Wag - Dogs like attention, and one way to gauge a Dog’s emotional state is to see how they “wag” their tails. A Dog wagging its tail means all is fine, and they are happy just to be there.
Tail Tuck - Dog is embarrassed or ashamed for either being too excited and getting carried away or acting in such a way that it disappoints their Owner. Sometimes a Dog might go out of their way to please their master, only to find out they made a big mess for everyone to clean up.
Chase Their Own Tail - Dog gets confused and ends up getting excited about something they themselves had set up. For instance, giving the signal for the Owner to come into the room, getting upset their instructions aren’t being followed, only to realize that the Owner has been siting in the back the entire time.
Bite - Dog lashes out at a perceived threat with the intent of subduing them. When a reporter gets too close to a figure, for instance, a Dog will come in and pull them away and bark loudly as to not allow their intrusive comments or questions perturb the Owner. Sometimes, however, a Dog will bite a friendly which indicates an over-stressed Dog or even a rabid Dog.
Pooping Indoors - Being unable to get rid of evidence in the proper way, as a result of not being able to go outside(get away from secret work).
Eat their Poo - Dogs will eat their own poop(evidence left behind). Which is to say, they’ll clean up after themselves and reprocess evidence to make sure every nutrient isn’t gone to waste.
Sniff - Dogs will inspect things to make sure they aren’t laced with toxins or rigged with explosives. Any gift their Owner receives must undergo a rigorous test to ensure everything passes the sniff test.
Bury Things - Dogs will hide stuff you don’t ever want coming out. Say the Owner ends up getting driven to a nightclub. A dog will “bury the lede” and ensure the media, witnesses, paparazzi, and opponents are all either paid off or threatened to never talk about the event in any serious capacity ever again.
Bury Bones - Bones are intimate details and harbingers of death and guilt for the Owner. Regrets, basically. The phrase “skeletons in their closet” refers to the idea of an Owners previous activities that they most certainly don’t want to see the light of day. Dogs will bury bones, one at a time, and only the Dog will know where they are buried, such that the Owner themselves cannot even dig them up. They are things everyone wishes they could forget about.
Fetch - From coffee(4am talkingpoints/memos) and newspapers(potential “fires” to put out) to sticks(tools for making threats) and balls(toys and recreation), a Dog will fetch them for you. Ducks(experts/quacks) are also useful when you want to lie with statistics, and describes the motive behind the legendary Duck Hunt pass-time with the “retrievers” of the Dog world. If you want something, a Dog will fetch it for you so you don’t have to leave the office.
Going for a Walk - Sometimes a Dog needs some time off, but can’t take a break without risking the safety of their Owner. In such cases, the Owner will go someplace exciting but safe and let the Dog “do their business.”
Sheepdog - Press Secretary lying to the masses and corralling them into “safe” ways of thinking in the security of a well-kept fence.
Lapdog - Self-explanatory. It’s just an appealing or sexy assistant you can show off to your associates. Best used as a distraction in intense meetings to lower your associate’s guard by appealing to their sensibilities.
Spay or Neuter - Preventing your pet from making deals(sex) with anyone else. Think of it as a Non-Disclosure Agreement, but strictly as it pertains to Cabal business dealings.
Breed - Describes the special training a Dog might have undergone. In terms of Personal Assistants, it can describe everything from whether they’re focused on security, what languages they speak, what demographics their coats(skin color) appeals to, what their bark sounds like, or even if they have degrees in useful fields like computer science or data processing. A jack of all trades, master of none is hard to come by, so being able to choose what you need is helpful.
I’ll add more if I can think of them or if you have suggestions. This may end up being expanded upon as my first “Long Comms” post, so I think I’ll keep it short for now.